THE BLAHS

Take 5 minutes out FOR YOUR HEALTH...

On December 22, 1997, an interview was broadcast on Bay TV (local cable channel 35 in San Francisco) between anchor John Kessler and psychiatrist Carla Perez. The following transcription was created by scott richie for Winky.

John Kessler:  You know, the holidays are supposed to be a celebration; a time of joy and peace. But for many and to many it is a frenetic time. A time for some to be lonely. We're driven to overspend, overeat, and over drink. And then there's always the one relative that you'd like to avoid. Well, it's almost impossible to escape the holidays so what can we do to survive the insanity?  And we asked psychiatrist Dr. Carla Perez who joins us now. Hi doctor, thanks for coming in.

Carla Perez:  Well, I'm delighted to.

John Kessler:  What is it about the holidays that all of a sudden everybody's got to fit everything...is that, is that what drives us to go nuts? I went shopping yesterday. I'm sorry, but not too many people were in the old holiday cheer yesterday.

Carla Perez: Well, there's the expectation, that comes out of the fairy tales, that everything's going to be happy, you're going to get along with a relative that you've never gotten along with before, you're going to find the first perfect gift, that everybody's going to love you, etc., etc.; you're not going to eat too much, drink too much. I think the expectations are just like a fairy tale and the pitfalls are everywhere John, I mean, number one, you're often getting back with family, a lot of generations are together, maybe, you know, a lot of people in the Bay Area have actually purposely left their family, and suddenly you're back with the family, you're with someone you wish you weren't with, our you're alone, you're newly alone. And then you have the food is beckoning, the alcohol is beckoning, and on the television they say if you just buy the perfect gift, so-and-so will love you. That's a lot of pressures.

John Kessler: Yeah. But you know they always, like, say, when you go on a trip or something, they say expectation is 95% of the thrill you get. (Laughter)

Carla Perez: When it's in line with reality. Let me also say so important for anybody if you've lost anybody this year, this is extra tough. The first holidays without someone, or if it's the anniversary of the death of somebody; like anybody who, November, December, I don't care, 20, 30, 40 years ago you've lost someone; or the other thing that's difficult: if childhood has had negative things, sometimes it brings up that; and I can't say enough how important it is to feel the feelings, to cry, to bring Kleenex, to remember the person, and then go on to have fun.

John Kessler: Well that's what I wanted to ask you. Let's get on to what we can do. Let's say...a lonely time. First time away from family, first time away from friends, you remember back to Christmases past, and such; what can you do?

Carla Perez: And you've just broken up with you're significant other, huh?

John Kessler: Yeah. Yeah.

Carla Perez: Well, number one, to be alone, to separate out, that doesn't mean you're a failure. It feels like it. It feels like everybody else has the perfect someone in their life - uh uh. That, just to take stock: 'OK, this year, I'm alone, I don't have somebody. Once you take stock of the feeling, then you can go on and sensibly say all right, let's say 'I'm gonna get together with friends', or 'I'm gonna volunteer', or 'I'm gonna visit someone out of the city', or something like that. You must feel the feelings first otherwise you stuff the feelings somehow, with business, with something.

John Kessler: OK, let's say this holiday season you're not alone, but you'd like to be? (Laughter) Because of the people you're going to be with, you know. What can you do in that case, when you have relatives coming that you don't necessarily get along with?

Carla Perez: I think there's many arts to this. One is to stay out of discussions that are bound to cause grief.

John Kessler: Just completely avoid them.

Carla Perez: Avoid them...or if somebody says something; your brother, or your sister, or your mother-in-law says something, and rather than capping it, you just gracefully change the subject or you happen to go into the kitchen and say gee, I think I'll help with the kitchen...or something like this .

John Kessler: Now I know why my father spent so much time out in the garage.

Carla Perez: You got it.

John Kessler: (Laughter) He would go out there, and just pound on the table (Pounding table, mimicking father) 'I'm working out here. I'll be right in. Don't worry"

Carla Perez: Or you just say, 'Whoa! You know, I think I'm going to take a walk now.' In other words, this isn't the time to suddenly get along with someone that you've never gotten along with anyway.

John Kessler: Yeah. Sometimes it's easier said than done though, because once you say 'Well, I think I'll take a walk', they'll go, 'Aha! You're trying to avoid it, aren't you?'. (Laughter) And they'll stick it right in your face.

Carla Perez: Sometimes decide maybe, you know, maybe these are people you shouldn't be spending time with.

John Kessler: Yeah.

Carla Perez: But for goodness sakes, don't at that point suddenly drink too much, eat too much; and don't try to buy perfect presents to make a relationship OK. It's a balance of feeling your feelings and enjoying things; of taking care of yourself and taking care of other people.

John Kessler: That's what I wanted to ask. Is there a way we can take care of ourselves? Obviously not overindulging with food or drink is one way.

Carla Perez: I think sometimes just to stop and kind of ask yourself, 'Hey, what am I feeling and what is important this season?' And maybe it's important a little time to remember, or a particular relative you do want to phone who lives far away, or just sitting there and remembering someone who's not there with someone else, and missing the person, then go on and have some fun.

John Kessler:  OK.

Carla Perez: Yeah.

John Kessler:  Fun.

Carla Perez: Yeah.

John Kessler:  It's what it's all about, isn't it?

Carla Perez: Yeah.

John Kessler:  All right, doctor, thank you very much.

Carla Perez:  Listen!  Do you know what?  [While abruptly pulling red Santa hat out her of pocket and placing it on her head] I'm gonna just rush out and do my last minute shopping, you know, for that relative I hate, so that person will like me. (Laughter)

John Kessler: She's kind of cute with that on, isn't she?
Dr. Carla Perez, thank you very much , and happy holidays.

Carla Perez:  Happy holidays to you.

[end of transcript]

return to heal thy ways

WINKSLINKS

...nothing new here in this part of the Universe since
12:29 P.M. P.S.T., Wednesday, December 24, 1997